In Defense of Interracial Relationships
As I have come to understand myself regarding my compatibilities with women and my relationship foibles, the same elements of fear of commitment, aloofness, over-commitment, bad listening have been true across the board. So have the sense of sexual satisfaction or intellectual stimulation and how much they matter in those I can eventually date. There is NO GROUP/RACE/CULTURE of women so far within this range of attractive elements, by measure that have outdone another by how much I have impressed or disappointed them. In fact, I may have impressed differently but I have usually disappointed quite equally.
Why do I start with this? I want to make the case for interracial relationships. Not that they are better. Not that they are healthier. Not that one group is generally sexier than another. The world as we know it or want to know it is often brought to bare when we bring someone of a different culture home as one’s future mate. Some white/non-black families won’t accept black in-laws, some blacks won’t accept white in-laws. Some Asians won’t accept blacks… In fact, I happen to know more people who won’t accept blacks and then there are blacks who won’t accept others. That’s right, most people still think being associated with black outside of pop culture credibility or sex appeal is downright subhuman. The reasons for this reinforced cultural bigotry can be explored or has been explored in countless blogs by frustrated Africans/Blacks that I need not expand. Or better yet check out the famous Tim Wise and his theory on racism. But I digress.
The essence of being in a relationship/marriage as far I’ve been planning or preparing, is building something with a person who brings out our best from our truest. That is, if love is the main ingredient. Arranged marriages sometimes start from a different premise and sometimes romantic bliss is never the goal. BLISS. That’s the word I was looking for: that state of complete surrender to the best of possibilities to come. This state can sometimes be so energizing, we forget the challenges that sting us from time to time. In the United States and the world as a whole there is a lot more population mixing, information spreading and the history of our mapping system is gradually revealing its origins. Our global politics is unfair. Our religions are separatist and sometimes violent. Economics are oppressive. But most of us want to be loved. We want to be accepted at least by someone who gives us the validation that no matter what, we get a final stop at the end of the day for a refill. Some cultures guarantee this by rituals, tradition, religion, academic exploration or professional promotion. From the Untouchables in India, the Negritos in the Philippines, Aborigines in Australia, the victims of Darfur, The British royal family and the corporate oligarchs of the Western hemisphere. We all want it. In fact, we all need it.
The basic of premise of marriage according to this argument is marriage for love by choice. And if love is the ultimate measure then its tenets must be adhered for which no race, ethnicity or culture hath mastered its concept nor application. What we have seen so far a different versions of its expression but sometimes what works for one does not work for another. And sometimes where, the culture expresses love in a particular way, we get that one individual who may experience it differently and if they were to find someone of another culture who spoke to their understanding more appropriately, is it fair for them to be treated as traitors? Now, usually no one is sent to the gallows but we see the comments on youtube videos and blogs that shame rich blacks who marry whites or non-blacks. They are usually quite unforgiving. How presumptuous of these folks who think because they share the hue of another individual, they have earned the right to judge their sense of social justice, without ever having met this person, or understood their journey up to that point. This poisons whatever possibility of understanding there ever was. For once we judge, we alienate. In judging, we also presuppose the other of possessing the value system upon which we were raised (including its prejudices).
Now, I have not visited any Asian or Latino blogs or even Arab blogs to get a sense of how their urban populations are discussing this, so I cannot speak at length on what they may be operating with. But I dare say this: the methods of oppression are the same all over the world where they are rich and poor, powerful and employed. The politicians are always courting the wealthy entrepreneurs who have more accurate tallies on the population. The super-rich are always looking for tax breaks. Every person born into privilege does their best to maintain it. We attend the right schools. Join the right organisations to live in the right neighborhoods to get the right people to see us as successful. We are born in bliss and we move as far away from it as possible to survive, to “make it”. Then someday we see that we are not in as much control as we would like and there is not much we can do to change that. However, instead of returning to bliss, we fall on judgment to justify our investment in spiritual wilderness. As humans we do ourselves a great disservice when we choose hack away at the bliss of a pair just to justify our worldview and its limitations.
There may be people who have married outside their culture to piss off their parents or communities. There may be people who did so to escape the continuous negative associations that came with their native cultures that they had to experience from childhood. The extent to which those are true can only be known and addressed by those in such situations and truly do not harm those of us who are not related to or invested in these individuals. Then there are those, who met in the simplest of circumstances treated lovingly at home, raised to believe in a friendly rather than hostile world. They opened their hearts to a unity in the universe. It may not even have to seem so ominous. Sometimes opportunity and necessity can be catalytic. There are those who happened to speak the same love language but from different backgrounds. There are those who just happened to be an African in Russia, a Mexican in Australia, An American in Paris, An American in Iraq, an Indian in London, a Japanese in Jamaica and the list could go on. The arrogance which leads one to chastise any such people is best kept in check if we seek to experience a more just and harmonious universe. This post is for those of us who are married to, or are in a relationship with someone they love dearly and have built something they know in their hearts, never had the same opportunity with anyone else they came across. LOVE FREE OR DIE TRYING.
Still trying 😉
Thank you for reading this post
Jude @ Xulaima.