There are several reasons given today why single people cannot find love. Finances, trauma, distraction, excessive comparison, indecisiveness, childhood neglect, poor relationship counsel and the list goes on. In a previous post, I alluded to the problem with marriage being the dating process itself. It is an exhaustive process for the most part not because we may not find someone to spend our lives with but that by the time we do, we might only have so much left to give.
Relationships, (successful ones) have a great dynamic that involves give and take. Give and take creates flow. Flow often arises from fundamental contentment. Thus unhappy people cannot easily feed into consistent give and take dynamics. Regardless of the reason, one cannot give when in discontent. There are times when we do but if we are not in the right dynamic it ends up being taxing on the relationship in the long run. Giving when in discontent often feels like paying half your income in taxes or rent. You just cannot seem to hold onto to anything worth savoring before it slips away and what is offered does not seem to compare to what was expensed. What therefore could be choking up the sense of flow among so many people that keeps leading to these cycles of poor flow relationships?
My contention is that at the root of much of our incompatibility among single adults is hardened discontent. It may not be as simple not liking who they are or who they have become. It is often that we have not yet adjusted to the realization that we are still holding onto “a future promised to us” as opposed to a present we can make the most of. Unlike previous generations we have much more at our fingertips to make our lives much easier operationally. If you need a recipe, course, how-to fix/make instructions you have so many resources available from YouTube, TikTok, Skillshare, Wikipedia, Coursera… If lack of information was the disadvantage of predecessors, we cannot claim that now. With more knowledge at our disposal, ignorance becomes less of an excuse for discontent.
Recently, Atlanta-based filmmaker and mogul, Tyler Perry set social media on fire when he said women who made more money should be able to find someone honorable to spend their time with even if he only could afford the light bill. I think the light bill was pushing it but I do want to give Mr. Perry the benefit of the doubt in that he may have been referring to men who actually work for living doing something honorable but did not make as much as their very educated and possibly executive-earning wives. This set women ablaze given the number of women who have had financial and professional success but wound up attracted to and even impregnated by men who had not yet actualized into what would be considered responsible adults.
The issue with this inference for most women is that the first interpretation of Mr. Perry’s statement exposed the base level of discontent and cynicism in the hearts of several women. When the heart is wounded all it sees in people is how they could possibly be hurt. It’s the reverse of the analogy: “if you see yourself as a hammer, every problem becomes a nail.”
If you see yourself as a target for exploitation then everyone is a scammer or worse, a pimp.
Are the women who are aghast at the notion of low-earning/no-earning men being viable husbands, being unreasonable? Absolutely not. However, when honor is brought into the equation we need to consider certain caveats. A senior police officer may not make as much money as his VP or COO/CEO wife, a public defender will not make as much as his wife who is an associate or partner at a law firm. A film/TV writer may not make as much as his movie star wife. These are all scenarios in which the men are in professions that are honorable in status but may be married to women who are in positions for which the market rewards higher. While the man making more money is ideal, can we truly say that two people with the same moral, social and spiritual values in the above caveats cannot make a relationship or marriage work?
At the root of a lot of the conversation around relationships in the United States is an alarming predicament of discontent. Whether it is because too many men no longer feel capable where they should be (lack of honor), or women feeling as though they cannot obtain the validation/affection they need (lack of security), we are pretty much producing and living off the vapor of communal discontent. It is becoming the odor of the day even though we have way more tools at our disposal to make our lives happier and easier; to drain the pool. What are we waiting for? I wonder.
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