Whether it is family, spousal or social, estrangement is on the rise. The one in focus here is silent estrangement. You did not get an argument or a goodbye. What you saw was a change in behavior. Even if you got the argument or the goodbye you did not see the departure coming. Not the permanent one. What is happening to us socially and what could be at the bottom of this?

Humans are social creatures not only for the purposes of shared pleasure and grief but largely due to the necessity for survival. At the root of all social engagement is the contiguous drive to survive the human experience. A lot of our social values around charity, politeness, being heard, service et cetera are rooted in the determination to survive. However, we may have forgotten the shadow of survival drive: CRUELTY. Behind every cruel act is the drive to survive. The drive may not be backed by a need a but like with most animals once a drive is engaged, action ensues even when the need is not as prevalent.

Being on the receiving end of estrangement feels cruel. When someone you care for or have cared for suddenly departs from your energy sphere, it feels like a piercing stab in the chest especially as a parent. However, what you may not be aware of is the person stabbing you was trying proverbially get you off their chest. If your presence in someone’s life keeps challenging their drive to survive, best believe they will push you off. However cruel it feels it may not be as malicious as you think. The drive to survive is constant but the means to survive tends to change and our comfort rests in our capacity to adapt.

In anthropology, the premise of adaptation is often brought on as a vector of transition from one model of survival to another – over centuries and a the fastest, half a century. From the year 1980 to about 2010, there have been some changes in our society in technology, educational standards, societal standards, cultural standards and even spiritual standards. There is a level of integration required of most where failure to do so will cost you your means of survival. We have gone from the typewriter to the personal computer to the smartphone. We have gone from getting a full time job after high school and buying a home to being unable to get a job with an MBA. We have gone from dating as preparation for marriage to hook up culture. We have gone from Democrats and Republicans having civil debate on public television to Left wing and Right Wing podcasters platforming candidates for soundbites and media growth. We have gone from christians identifying as Catholic, Baptist, Episcopal, Presbyterian and Methodist to Catholic and New Age Evangelicals. (Yes, catholics tend to go back to Catholicism). Lot of people have gone from saying “God” to the “The Universe”. For the people who have had to figure out their survival in this period have been in for quite a shock. This applies to people born in this time period and people who were parents in this time period. You were not ready for this. You knew you were made to survive but you were not ready for this.

Most of us were not. This is not about being poor or rich. The people who grew up without and became successful resent their background for not being able to understand. The compassionate who don’t mind resent the turn of the economy for changing the rules on them mid-game. The middle class is mad that the focus on STEM fields from the early 2000s is being brought to its knees by the overinvestment in Artificial Intelligence. The artists are mad they were sold a dream to follow their passion only to be surpassed by the nepo-babies. And the rich (some nepo babies) are mad they were raised by people who cornered the economy and gave them a bad name and money they will never know how to earn. The resentment is not about resources of lack thereof. The resentment is in the uncertainty; the realization that the art of survival we are meant to inherit or obtain from our caretakers is obsolete.

The tools and the values seem to make incremental gains where exponential gains were abound. Getting married young could end up in divorce. Working a job through college barely covers personal supplies as tuition costs have quadrupled. The science that rewarded innovation now punishes it. The religious faith that once held the family and community together is now an enemy of the state. Everywhere you look, the survival drive is being engaged in everyone. No one feels safe even though most of us are not in any mortal danger.

The phenomenon of estrangement is the last measure in long line of survival responses. I do not know what comes after it. But if there is anything to learn from it, it may be that people born or people raising kids in the Millennial Era were thrown into a loop that they do not fully comprehend. The parents and the offspring are trying to make sense of things but when survival is in question decision-making goes binary. In or out. Maybe we all need to learn new things but maybe learning new things need not come at the expense of basic survival. However, when the safety of survival is challenged to the brink, cruelty ensues.

Will we learn in safety or in cruelty?

by Julian Michael Yong